Whished I Knew

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When I was eighteen, I knew everything; now I am much older, I know nothing. But I think it’s better that way – remember the saying, ‘What you don’t know won’t hurt you.’ But what about when you find out?

Mariette saw herself as an average girl- nothing special. She was slightly above average height, had no knock-over looks, and was well on her way to becoming a fuller woman’s size in her dress. Well, you understand that’s what Marietta saw in her mind. She accepted she was an average student sportswoman with an average group of like-minded friends.

One thing she was not average at was dating. The only dates she even went on were with her girlfriends. As she grew into an awkward teen, she suffered many embarrassing experiences, a few too many to mention. The other thing she was not average at was her dreams. Her prince charming was not average either, a drop-dead, good-looking, firm-bodied man. He is well-educated, has a top-drawer job, and on his way to impressive success. But what’s more, she saw that all she had was a pipe dream.

 The one thing that did take her away from the ‘average’ label was her ability to play hockey. She had a keen eye, unlimited stamina, and tons of courage. About half a head taller than her team members, there was no doubt about leadership and the right qualities for a team captain. She was popular, too.  

After a post-game hype, Marrietta walked away from her team and went to a bench to catch her breath and think things over. “You’re some captain and a cool player.” The voice behind made her jump, and her face turned crimson when she saw who the voice belonged. Sean Cullinan, oh my god. She stuttered a squeaky thank you. Meeting Sean heralded the beginning of their relationship: the tale of the prince and the doleful girl. He was inviting her for a coffee.

“Thank you, Sean; I need to shower and change.”

“It will be worth the wait.” Words were never wanting with Sean.

So, while Marietta’s showering, let me tell you a little about Sean. Older than her by ten years, she is a budding stockbroker and a magnet to women of all shapes and sizes. But he was not a social beast and didn’t appear to date too many of his pursuers. Rather odd, wouldn’t you say? Anyway, let’s continue. He spent his time between his business and golfing, at which he was first-rate, playing off a two handicap.

Now, for no apparent reason, Sean took a shine to Marietta. He began to date her, even asking for her dad’s permission. Among the tale-waggers, the rumor was that Sean was a little eccentric. For her part, Marietta fell in love with Sean but was confused that he should love her in return. He could have any woman he wanted, but why her? She had sleepless nights over this issue before voicing her fear to him on their honeymoon night. Sean explained that while he could do nothing about women who were attracted to him, from the first time he watched her playing hockey, he wanted her to be his wife and mother to their children. She gasped in surprise at his response. But after a few days, the fear was back like the old enemy it was.

Their marriage was a dream; Sean was a perfect husband to Marietta and an exemplary father to their two sons. However, Marietta’s problem grew in intensity until the two agreed that she should go for psychiatric treatment.

Sean’s company grew, and success was theirs. They had a beautiful home, a happy marriage, and two qualified sons; one was a doctor and the other a lawyer. But hidden under layers of confusion, Marrietta’s problem held her captive.

“I’m going to Johannesburg on a business meeting, but I’ll be back by the weekend.” Sean was off to one of his many business meetings. She disliked everything about that city, and although he asked her to join him, she refused. True to his routine, he called home twice daily to speak with his wife.

On Friday morning, she entered his office to arrange King Proteas, his favorite. She always did this for his homecoming. It had only been a few days, but she had missed him. She sat at his desk, enjoying the soft waft of pipe tobacco, leather, and old books. She bumped the out tray on his desk in her dreamy state, spilling all the papers onto the floor. While picking them up, she noticed a mail addressed to his best and closest friend, Johnathan Cunningham.

She read the mail through and then reread it; hot tears glazed her eyes, and a drop fell on the piercing words:

“…I have never loved Marietta in a romantic sense, but once we met, I knew I wanted to marry and have my children with her. But it has never been easy, Johnathan, climbing into bed every night with someone with whom you have no physical passion but making it work by sheer blind lust when called for. I could not tell her this truth because I could not bear to break her heart. Despite her fears and long-lasting unresolved query of why I chose her, I will never leave her because I have learned to live with my choice.”

Oh god, I have found the answer I sought but did not want to know! Marietta wept uncontrollably.

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