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Grief and Family
Grief has visited my life more often than I’d ever wish. As a child, the nights were the hardest; fear seemed to wait for the dark before it crept in. As an adult, I’ve learned that fear doesn’t keep to a schedule—it can make its appearance at any hour. What eventually comforted me was realizing that this fear has only one place to act: in my mind. My mind holds my loss, my loneliness, and my grief. And if my mind is a stage, then I am its director. I decide what stays and what must leave.
Fear never told me about this important fact: “This too shall pass, and better days will come.” A wise person once told me not to push grief away but to face it. I admired the advice, though I forgot to ask how to do that. Later, Eckhart Tolle’s words came back to me: Watch your thoughts without judgment, and let them go.[1]
So now, when memories of those I’ve lost rise up, I simply notice them. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I smile. And then, gently, I let the thought drift on. This practice has become not only a relief but something unexpectedly comforting.
Have you ever stood outside on a summer morning, before the sun reaches its highest point, and noticed your shadow? And then, when the sun is directly overhead, watch it disappear? I’ve always found this little dance between the sun and my shadow fascinating. No matter where I go, my shadow follows. It’s part of me.
But there’s another shadow—one far less friendly. It’s the shadow of sorrow: grief, depression, rejection, anxiety, fear, hopelessness. Unlike my real shadow, this one doesn’t depend on sunlight. It slips in quietly, unseen, and always when the conditions in my mind allow it. It knocks gently and says, “I have something for you, and it won’t cost a thing.” And before I know it, I’ve opened the door.
A wise counselor once warned me, “John, be careful. Sorrow is not your shadow. It’s not a reflection of who you are. Guests are invited into your life. Intruders must be thrown out. Never entertain grief and its family—show them the door.”
I asked, “So should I try to be happy?”
He replied, “You can’t try to be happy. Happiness is the natural result of being connected to your true self—the part of you untouched by life’s misfortunes. When you live from that place, happiness becomes a welcome guest, and sorrow loses its power to enter.”
History is full of examples of the mind’s strength. We admire them, yet rarely apply that wisdom to our own lives.
So how do we get rid of unwelcome thoughts? By practicing mindfulness—by returning our attention to what is happening right now. The more we stay current, the less influence those intrusive thoughts have. And slowly, the stage of the mind becomes ours again.
Here’s a story for you.
It was a terrible shock for the whole family to get news of their son Jason’s diagnosis: buccal mucosa cancer.
Cancer in his cheek with a possible life expectancy of about three months. Jason, in his late forties and a father of three children, belonged to a local Christian assembly. The pastor and elders gathered the congregation into committed prayer groups, which included regular night vigils.
Jason refused radiation and chemotherapy options because he stated that God would heal him.
He lived for two and a half years in terrible pain. His body was disfigured shockingly. During this time, he consumed huge amounts of pain-killing medication. Family members stood around him, taking shifts to medicate every three hours. Jason was not on medical aid, and costs were borne by his younger brother’s family.
One night, he phoned his Father. He said he could no longer bear the pain. The imposition on his family was also unbearable. He said he had asked God to take him home. Two days later, his younger brother called his father to tell him that he had finally found peace. He died in his brother’s arms.
The family was large. Judging from their response to his passing, every year, each member had their own pilgrimage for Jason. They all loved him dearly. He asked to be cremated. His ashes were to be spread where he had spent the last months of his life. He was cared for by the family in his brother’s home.
His father shared how much he missed his son, with whom he had always had a loving relationship. His grief stayed close to him for many years. Eventually, he trained his haunting thoughts to leave his mind. He trained his mind to accept that his son’s suffering had ceased. As a father, he had the best years of his son’s life. His son had passed, knowing that he was loved and cared for by his family members. Finally. In a state of peace, he left his family in the comfort and security of his brother’s arms.
The mind can be a battleground until we take control. Control does not come overnight, but for those who are steadfast, it does come.
[1] how to observe thoughts without judgement Eckhart Tolle quotes – Search
See you next month, same date, same place.
Love and Blessings.
Peter-James.
Love Your Life Adopt Your Purpose 
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